Illusion Delusions I

Use Your Illusion(s), the massive double-disc-double-album that followed up Guns N Roses landmark debut Appetite for Destruction, gets a lot of mostly-deserved criticism. Nothing was ever going to match up to the awesomeness of Appetite, but even taking that into consideration the Illusions have some serious issues. From the controversial firing of original band members, the alleged inclusion of songs by lead vocalist Axl Rose without consulting other band members, the length of time it took to make (although considering the even-more-ludicrous timeline of Chinese Democracy maybe we’ll overlook that one), to the sheer length and breadth of the thing there’s plenty to rip into when discussing these records. That length and breadth is one of the major problems with this thing – put aside the behind the scenes drama and you’re still left with an album that is way too long, several songs that are way too long, and an overall inability from whoever made the final decisions on this thing to kill even one of their darlings. What all of that junk masks is that there is a really solid single record buried somewhere inside of the Illusions, and today I will be attempting to excavate it. Is that single album going to top Appetite? No, but it could’ve been a respectable follow-up that showed some real range and was actually listenable in one sitting. I know this whole post makes me come off like a grade A hater, but I would to state for the record and the improbable scenario in which he reads this that I am a fan of Axl Rose as a vocalist and I have a poster of this band on my wall. With all that out of the way, let’s get into it:

RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO HELL

PROS:

-       That opening bass is super menacing and it never lets up

-       That “fuck you” is at least 20 seconds long and that is honestly just impressive

-       Great statement of purpose for a sophomore album, that statement being “wake up fuckers Guns N Roses are back!”

-       The ending doesn’t drag on for too long (definite plus on this album)

CONS:

-       While the relentless pacing is rad, it’s also a little migraine-inducing

-       Probably not Axl Rose’s best-ever vocal performance 

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

DUST N BONES

PROS:

-       It’s an Izzy Song AKA sung by eternally-underrated rhythm guitarist Izzy Stradlin

-       There’s a cool Western vibe with some swinging piano that could be described as Stones-lite

-       Gotta appreciate Mr. Rose howling along in the background just to remind you who the lead vocalist is

CONS:

-       You could quibble over the length, but there are multiple 8+ minute songs on this thing so this one’s really not that bad

-       Similarly, we could get into the casual misogyny of the throwaway “women are so easy” line, but its 90s GnR so one has to temper expectations on that front

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

LIVE AND LET DIE

PROS:

-       That riff sounds pretty good turned up to 11

-       Sounds like Axl’s having fun

-       It’s not bad, but I don’t think the world would miss it if they never recorded it

CONS:

-       It’s a cover that doesn’t add much to the original besides turning everything up to 11

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

DON’T CRY (ORIGINAL)

PROS:

-       That guitar is so pretty. Slash gets a lot of (well-deserved) love for the big, ballsy riffs, but here the instrument sounds like its literally singing

-       I like the lyrics in this version slightly better 

CONS:

-       Not many cons here aside from the sheer self-indulgence of releasing it twice on the same record

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

PERFECT CRIME

PROS:

-       There are some interesting guitar sounds under all the vitriol

-       Gets in and out pretty fast (which isn’t always easy for this band)

CONS:

-       The first of many songs on this album that can be boiled down to Axl Rose ranting and trying to start fights

-       It’s the kind of song that you probably think is really cool when you’re 14 and your mom makes you clean your room

-       Everything good about this one is done better in songs like Right Next Door to Hell

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

YOU AINT THE FIRST

PROS:

-       Provides a nice little acoustic break from the madness

-       I like the acceptance-stage “damn oh well” tone of this breakup song

-       Shows some stylistic range for this band

CONS:

-       There is something supremely ironic about Axl Rose telling someone off because their “jiving” (v. to taunt or sneer at) is annoying

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

 BAD OBSESSION

PROS:

-       Return of that Stonsey honky-tonk vibe that works very well, you just have to move to it

-       Almost like a more-upbeat sequel to Mr. Brownstone

-       High comedic value to that final “do better next time PUNK” (sidenote: Axl loves calling people a punk on this record)

CONS:

-       I’m not going to keep harping on the lyrics, but “my mother is just a cunt now” is pretty harsh

 FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

BACK OFF BITCH

PROS:

-       The riff is better than the one in Perfect Crime

CONS:

-       Another version of Axl-spews-hostility-against-the-world-that-has-wronged-him

-       Comes off like the whining of a high-school incel

 FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

DOUBLE TALKIN’ JIVE

PROS:

-       Those drums go right through your chest and set an edgy, manic pace to the song

-       It’s another Izzy song!

-       Love the fade out to some gorgeous almost classical guitar at the end

CONS:

-       I like this song, but you probably don’t need both it and Dust N Bones

FINAL VERDICT: IZZY STRADLIN SOLO ALBUM

NOVEMBER RAIN

PROS:

-       I personally love the overblown orchestral deployment of that sweeping piano, but I do understand why some people find it obnoxious

-       The Guitar solos: I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, but there is a reason I own a knockoff LP

-       The gothic imagery of the lyrics, the sheer drama, vibes, ambition, and ego of it all

CONS:

-       Again, while I enjoy the general overblown-ness of a track like this I get why some find it a little (or a lot) much

-       The ending does drag on a little bit 

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP*

THE GARDEN

PROS:

-       We get a surprise guest appearance from Alice Cooper!

-       The intro has a lot of very cool, weird instrumentation going on

-       Closes out with a fabulous example of an Axl Rose howl

-       It’s a weird one, but I appreciate the uniqueness of it

CONS:

-       That little rap section from Alice hasn’t aged particularly well

-       Some of the guitar in the faster sections sounds like a guy at guitar centre imitating Slash instead of actually sounding like Slash

 FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

GARDEN OF EDEN

PROS:

-       The pacing is absolutely insane and it sounds like the band members are all just barely keeping up with whoever’s setting it

-       It really is impressive how fast this man can talk when he gets going

CONS:

-       Despite the retrotechno bleep bloops in the background, I find this one fairly one-dimensional sound-wise

-       Some might call that manic pace headache-inducing

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

DON’T DAMN ME

PROS:

-       This is essentially the upgraded version of Perfect Crime

-       The slow section keeps it interesting

-       There’s a great, head-bang-able beat and a killer guitar solo

-       I can’t help but giggle at the “all right that sucked!” in the outro

CONS:

-       It’s yet another version of Axl Fights People and it’s not even the last variation on this theme we’re going to have to discuss here

-       Wish the guitar had a little more room to stretch out and get interesting

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

BAD APPLES

PROS:

-       Those keys are getting smashed right through the floor and its awesome

-       The chorus is highly yell-along-able

-       I can’t help but laugh at that ending “boy-eeee” from Axl

CONS:

-       Once again, we are trying to trim fat here, so even though it’s a good song, Bad Obsession does this particular vibe better

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH

DEAD HORSE

PROS:

-       The guitar in the intro sounds almost 60s-esque and that not a sound we’ve gotten anywhere else on the album(s)

-       I don’t what piece of equipment gets run over by a backhoe to kick off the faster section, but I love everything about that sequence

-       Just a real solid four-on-the-floor rock song

CONS:

-       Axls being whiny again

-       Probably filler, but it’s pretty good filler

FINAL VERDICT: KEEP

COMA

PROS:

-       The main riff is excellent

-       The various drum sounds are also excellent

-       I love the instrumental chaos during the “shock him again” section

-       The amount of moving parts does help to make the runtime go down easier

-       Listening to Axl Rose’s girlfriend chew him out as the EMTs show up kind of makes it sound like being called out for being a shitty boyfriend literally killed him and, intentional or not, that’s hilarious

CONS:

-       The EMTs and heartbeat sounds feel like something that sounded a lot cooler in Axls head – I’m all for the cheesiness of it, but I can understand why people aren’t

-        Estranged and November Rain are both better uses of the ten-minute song, but it’s hard to split the trio up

FINAL VERDICT: TRASH*

*I underwent major emotional turmoil trying to decide what to do with the unofficial trilogy of November Rain, Coma, and Estranged. They’ve become so iconic with their multitudes of guitar solos and over-the-top-high-concept music videos – and personally I love the sheer drama of it all. But those suckers are also in the double digits for length and keeping them isn’t really conducive to creating a more manageable record. I elected to keep two of them here, but I don’t love splitting them up either so I think my official recommendation is to release the three of them on their own as a mini-concept album.

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Strictly Finnish Bängers